Yeah, I said it. F*ck pandas. I don’t think they’re cute. Never have. Never will. All bears, in general, are jerks who wreck your campsite, rummage through your trash cans, and break your side mirror off your cars. What exactly makes pandas so cool, exotic, and precious? What, because they’re black and white? So are zebras. I don’t think pandas look cute. Zebras are more aesthetically pleasing to my eyes; at least their black and white hides occur in different patterns from animal to animal, which make them look unique and exotic. Pandas look like a Kinko’s printing mistake.

I was living in Washington D.C. when the local news always ended with some nonsense about Hsing-Hsing and Ling-Ling, the two giant pandas gifted to the The National Zoo by China back when Nixon was president. They talked about how people came from all over the country and stood in long lines to gawk at these freaks. Since I lived just a short subway ride from the Zoo (and this was back in the days when admission was free), I could drop by there any time I wanted. Every time I went to see them, they were either sleeping, or otherwise unavailable (because they were trying to mate them). Young me was like, “what the hell’s the big deal about these dumb bears?” (Yes, young me used mild profanity. I blame Norman Lear.)

There was also a lot of fuss over the fact that pandas were endangered, and how the world would rejoice whenever Ling-Ling popped out a cub or two. The panda power couple had five cubs, and none of them lived past infancy. Maybe it was a sign, huh? Maybe these animals were meant to go the way of the dodo. Maybe it was nature’s way. Besides, if they went extinct, we could still make panda plush animal toys. We make plush unicorns, and those have never existed. There’re also plenty of cartoon pandas who contribute more to society. What do we need actual pandas for?

And what do these black and white blobs do all day, anyway? Sit there and chomp on bamboo with their nightmarishly strong jaws and jagged teeth? That’s supposed to be cute? It’s horrifying. They’re wild animals. If they can chew through bamboo, what do you think they’d do to your leg if they had half a chance?

They don’t provide food like cows, pigs, or even bees, for that matter. I got no use for ’em. They sit there, eat, poop, sleep, mostly sleep actually, and refuse to procreate.

Go to hell, pandas.