Santa’s core eight reindeer and rookie sensation Rudolph are late for their annual Christmas run. And the big man is not pleased.
SANTA CLAUS: Alright, this is unacceptable! Where in the holy holly are my core eight?
DONDER: I’m here, Santa.
SC: You’re always here, Donder. Like I’m really gonna make it around the whole world with my bottomless sack of gifts, with just one reindeer. Where are the rest of those lazy good-for-nothings?
(A bunch of reindeer stumble into the workshop.)
RUDOLPH: Hey there, Santa! Sorry we’re late.
SC: Sorry? You loafers have been showing up late for decades now! It’d be nice if I knew why.
RUDOLPH: We do have other responsibilities, Santa.
SC: Oh, do you now?
RUDOLPH: Um, yeah? A buck’s gotta make a living, y’know?
SC: Rudy, what exactly do you do with that nose when it isn’t Christmas?
RUDOLPH: Well, I make a pretty good living sleeping at the top of the cell phone tower.
SC: What? Why do you sleep way up there?
RUDOLPH: My nose keeps planes from crashing into the tower, and the North Pole keeps its Wi-Fi. You’re welcome, by the way.
SC: And Cupid, it’s been decades since you’ve shown up on time for the most important job in the world.
CUPID: It’s not easy, fat man. I’m pulling double duty every year.
SC: Double duty?
CUPID: Yepper. To beat a rap for copyrighted name infringement, love god Eros uses me to run him all over the place shooting people with his arrows on Valentine’s Day, and all Spring long.
SC: What? That’s terrible.
CUPID: Yeah, maybe. But, at least he actually pays me.
DASHER: Yeah, money talks, Santa. As for me, I’m picking up shifts with Doordash just to keep my antlers looking nice for the ladies.
SC (stroking beard): Okay, I think I see what’s going on here. So, Dancer, I’m guessing your side gig has something to do with choreography?
DANCER: Um, no. I got my CPA back in the early 2000s. Only thing that be dancing is them numbers, jack.
SC: Serenity now! Maybe the oldest among you can help me figure out what to do. Where is Blitzen, anyway?
COMET: Where else would he be? At the bar, getting smashed off of egg nog.
SC: Comet, you’re the only one who I’m okay with being late. Did you get all the sinks and toilets cleaned?
COMET (Sighs): Yes, shiny as ever, with a good clean scent.
SC: All of the toilets?
COMET (rolls eyes): They’re elf toilets, Kringle. They don’t take that long to clean.
RUDOLPH: Can’t you see, Santa? We wouldn’t need to run ourselves ragged if you would allow us and the elves to unionize–
SC (laughs uproariously, as only Santa can): Ho times 3. It’ll be a cold day in…someplace hotter than this, before I let that happen. Why in the world would you need financial compensation, anyway? I give you everything you need: food, shelter, name-checked in one of the more popular of the Christmas songs…
DONDER: Big whoop. Rudolph sees a major percentage of those residuals.
RUDOLPH (glows): Hey, don’t hate the player, hate Gene Autry.
VIXEN: Now, now. There are some of us who don’t mind working. (winks at male reindeer) Know what I mean, boys?
DASHER: Oh, yeah. Talk about the gift that keeps on giving.
SC: I cannot believe what I’m hearing! Vixen, you mean to say that you…service the male reindeer?
VIXEN: Somebody gotta do it, yeah? And, like they say, when you do something you love, you never work a day in your life.
SC: Makes sense. But, you can’t service…all the males, can you?
VIXEN: Can’t I?
SC (chuckles): What I mean is, some of them might not…favor females. Um, in that way, you know…
PRANCER: We know. And that’s where I come in, sweetie. And let me just say that business, lately, has been just like my booty, baby–BOOMIN!